In the western world, people often talk about equality of opportunity, and even about equality of outcome, hold debates on gender income gap, gender leadership gap, etc. Of course, these are important topics that carry greater consequences for our society in the long run. Definitely, they should be a matter of intelligent public discourse if we want a fair and just society.
However, in the other part of the world, there is Nepal, where women are still denied their natural-born rights, let alone civil liberties and freedom. I can speak volumes on how women are oppressed, kept "under control" and even in most educated families "toned down" just because they are women. But, the point here is not to discuss how and why this is wrong. There is a multitude of reasons why this is unethical, utterly immoral, and inhumane. There is no debate on that. It should strike as a no-brainer for anyone with a sane mind. The larger issue here is that this is so normalized in Nepali families, that most of us don't even recognize this as a problem. To quote Betty Friedan, this is exactly the problem that has no name.
As I was scrolling through my news feed on Facebook, I came across the news of an acid attack on a woman by some guy because she rejected him. I couldn’t read the entire story, but it went along that line.
I couldn't help but think about what went on in the mind of the guy that he thought he could punish the girl? What was the thought process involved? How could he justify throwing acid on her face? What made him so privileged? Was he not scared of the law? Shouldn’t a girl have the liberty to choose her partner?
Such nefarious instances of violence against women rarely occur in the western world if at all, but why is this so pervasive in Nepal? Are we doing something wrong? Who is at fault here? Is it just the guy? Are there systemic forces in our society that encourage our men to perpetrate such crimes? These questions bugged me.
As I pondered a bit on the issue, I began to realize that these instances of violence against women by men have a broader cause. It is not just some random guy throwing acid on a girl who rejected him. This is indeed a clash between a century-old monolithic culture and a gender group — females were oppressed throughout the history of our civilization. By no means is this a justification of the act on the guy's part (the guy should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law), but the main perpetrator here is the collective Nepali society.
The cause of this problem stems from our own houses. The cause is hidden in the way we raise our sons and daughters. The cause, here, is the deeply embedded patriarchy that pervades every aspect of our society. The cause is the systemic sexism and prejudice against women that has plagued our society since its inception.
It is disturbing that our society praises toxic masculinity as an admirable trait. Femininity, in Nepal, is often linked to weakness. The stereotypical gender expectation laid out by Nepali families is largely to blame here. A woman should be tender, shy, and submissive. A man should be strong, harsh, and aggressive.
Nepali men grow up in a culture where women are expected to be submissive. From childhood, they see their mother being subservient to their father. Often, in Nepal, men are the breadwinners and females are the housemakers. With time, children become subconsciously wired to see this as the norm. Daughters see their mothers working in the kitchen and accept their fate when they come of age.
These gender roles laid out by families have shaped the thought process of an entire generation of men who consider themselves superior. When a girl rejects a guy, he takes it as a blow to his self-proclaimed superiority. As a result, all sorts of egotistical tendencies start to take over ultimately taking the form of violence.
How do we solve this? I don’t really have an answer to that, but whatever we do, it should start from our own houses.
(Image Source: https://www.facebook.com/ashikatamangofficial/photos/a.756431574404539/3237530079627997/?type=3&theater)
